Jokes

[Gary]

1. Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'

'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'



2. A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?

French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.

[RF]

Interesting - we did have a TV series in Britain a few decades ago called ''The Comedians'' where this sort of humour did give a few new, unknown comics a break.

[Gary]

An MP ("member of parliment" for those not familiar with British terminolgy) dies.
He ends up in a completely white room with St Peter who tells him "My son, you are now dead - you will spend 1 day in hell and then 1 day in heaven after which you must choose where you wish to reside for all eternity but be warned once you have made a choice you CANNOT rescind it".
"Ok, I understand" says the MP.
He goes to hell first where spends the day golfing on the finest golf course he has ever seen complete with a bikini-clad female as his caddy after which he enjoys a slap up 3 course meal followed by all the brandy he can drink next he's taken to a private cinema to watch the movie of his choice and finally he retires to his bed with the female caddy .
Not bad the MP thinks.
The following day he spends the day in Heaven.
All he does is sit around listening to boring old farts reciting poetry and tending to their pot plants and then he mows the very large lawn.

The next day St Peter re-appears "have you made your choice my son?"

"Yes" say the MP "I'm off back to hell because Heaven is full of a**eholes".

When he reaches Hell he is horrified to see 50 feet high flames, proper hellfire and brimstone, men working 18 hour days on chain gangs in horrendous heat.
He marches up to Satans office door and says "OI, I wanna word with you!!!!!!! - 2 days ago this was a beautiful golf course, WHAT HAS HAPPENED?"

Satan replies "My friend, 2 days ago you were a potential voter and today you've voted"

[RF]

Yes, a very salutory warning.

I wonder what the MP would have found if he had opted for heaven - much the same thing as he found in Hell? Would there be any real difference? Just the same difference between Labour, Conservative or Lib Dem? Or between Republican and Democrat?

Or, more to the point, what would have happened if our MP simply couldn't make his mind up and chose neither?